Weight Loss

From gyms to slimming centres to diet programmes, they're all promising to make us leaner than ever before. More and more, people are heeding the call, shedding avoirdupois and entering parties to be greeted by cries of "Darling, you're looking terrific! Mwa!"

Now, it's a basic law of physics that no matter in the universe is ever lost; it's merely redistributed. (Ask Newton or anyone.) So where's all that blubber going? People are losing those pounds, but where are they accumulating?

A large proportion of the fat definitely seems to be surrounding the heads of our leaders, making intelligible thought incapable of entering or leaving their brains. (For proof, merely scan the headlines of any paper anywhere in the world.) But that still leaves a lot of lard unaccounted for. Where else is it finding its way?

Into books, for one. Take Vikram Seth's Two Lives, Gregory David Roberts' Shantaram, or even Vikram Chandra's forthcoming Sacred Games, for example. Far too flabby! Inside all of those books, there are slimmer volumes waiting to be released from captivity. The poor. poor creatures.

Movies, too, aren't immune, especially those of the Bollywood persuasion. All of them are bursting at the seams -- it's a wonder they manage to fit into those cans. (The last multiplex I went to attempted to make things endurable by providing La-Z-Boy type seats with blankets and pillows thrown in. That helped, but not by much.)

Then again, much of that weight is finding its way into the egos of our corporate czars. How else to account for so many bloated pronouncements concerning megadeals, optimal brand values, profitable mergers and "creating consumer delight through the brand interface"? (Sheesh.) And let's not even get started on inflated stock exchange and real estate values.

This nuisance must cease. And the solution is, very literally, in our hands. The next time you're confronted by pizzas, burgers, deep-fried snacks and desserts -- especially blueberry cheesecake -- pick them up and scarf them down instead of turning them away. You country needs you to keep that fat on yourself instead of unleashing it on the world, where it can cause incalculable harm. Thank you for your co-operation.