Not A Free Kick

So what if Martin Amis didn't score a goal with his panned Yellow Dog? He has another chance -- this time, on the football field. According to this report, the author has signed to play for Manchester United, and will earn a reported £5 million after agreeing to appear in five different spells for the club over the next 12 years.

An anonymous club spokesman says: “Martin is in his mid-50s, barely knows the meaning of the terms free kick and offside and has the ball skills of an uncoordinated toddler, but that should not prevent him becoming the most successful player ever."

Mohun Bagan, here I come.