Oscar Wilde, Agony Uncle

From Mr T Blair of Downing Street, London SW1

Dear Uncle Oscar
I have had a long off-on relationship with a man called Peter. It always ends traumatically when he misbehaves, but a few months later I find I have taken him back. He is in Brussels at the minute. How can I break my cycle of dependency?

My dear Tony
To forgive is human, but to err divine. For myself, I make a habit of never making promises that I can keep; it renders one predictable, and predictability is the godfather of tedium. By the way, Brussels is all very well, but not for a whole weekend.

(An extract from Sebastian Faulk's new book of parodies. Delicious.)