Found In Translation

On an airsickness bag on a Spanish aeroplane
Bags to be used in case of sickness or to gather remains.

Zurich, Switzerland
We have nice bath and are very good in bed.

Africa
You may choose between a room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country.

Bucharest, Romania
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

Leh, India
The Old Ladakh Guest House (hospitalizing since 1974).

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.

In an Italian hotel, signs by the bell
It is kindly requested from our guests that they avoid dirting and doing rumours in the rooms.

Hot and cold water running up and down the stairs.

Seoul
Measles not included in room charge.

Tel Aviv, Israel
If you wish breakfast, lift the telephone and our waitress will arrive. This will be enough to bring up your food.

Austria
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

Moscow, Russia
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Acapulco, Mexico
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Serbia
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway.

Thailand
Please do not bring solicitors into your room.

Japan
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Beijing
No smoking in bed. If it's on fire the guests should be disperse according to the safety way.

Tokyo
In case of earthquake, use the torch to pass yourself out.

Madrid
Our wine list leaves you nothing to hope for.

Nairobi, Kenya
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

Ankara
You are invite to visit our restaurant where you can eat the Middle East Foods in a European ambulance.

Notice in sleeping carriage on Indian train
Do not invite thieves to sleep in the floor.

On a Soviet ship in the Black Sea
Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosoms and meet behind. Flee then to the indifferent lifesavering shippen obediencing the instructs of the vessel chef.

On a ferry in San Juan, Puerto Rico
In case of emergency, the lifeguards are under the seat in the center of the vessel.

- From Charlie Croker's 'Lost in Translation: Misadventures in English Abroad', reviewed by The Telegraph